The Experts Say (Only for the fathers of girls.)

(This is something I wrote for Kai, my ten year old daughter, while I was on my way to Israel…so guys who don’t have daughters, you’re dismissed until the next topic…)

How long does it take to become an expert?

The experts say it takes 7-10 years and 50,000 “chunks” of new knowledge.

You can’t paint a picture in Sunday School class, sit around and in 7 years call yourself an expert. You have to gain new knowledge and continue to gather this new knowledge everyday for 7 years.

Many of your friends will appear to be experts at many things. They may be good at soccer. They might even sing well. However, your 10 year old friends still have a way to go before you should consider them as experts on anything.

Let me give you example:

Some of your friends will say “I know what boys like…I know what boys want from a girl friend.”

There ought to be a “red” flag going up in your mind.

First of all most boys don’t know what they like or want. If that’s the case, then how could a girl know?

Secondly, most of your friends have only been alive for about 10 years. For three of these 10 years they barely made it to the potty. There aren’t many girls that have been diligently studying boys since the age of 3 so that they can gain 50,000 chunks of information about boys in order to qualify them for “Boy Expert” status.

They simply have not had enough time to figure them out.

Well you might say what about my friends when they turn 16? They could have started at 9 and become experts…yes, but only if they gave up figuring out everything else. For example, most girls from the age of 9-16 are busy figuring out themselves , their moods, emotions and bodies. They are trying to figure out their fashions , their likes and their dislikes. Effectively, they have been trying to become experts on themselves which is fine. They are doing this all the while they are trying to get their school work done, play sports and keep up with their favorite celebrities.

However, becoming an expert on yourself leaves little or no time to become an expert on anyone else.

Will they become experts on boys and men? Yes, but it takes time and most girls are unwilling to give up figuring out themselves to begin the process of figuring out boys. Boys are simply not that exciting…yet.

In the same way, there are even fewer boys that understand 10 year old girls, 16 year old girls or even 22 year old women. Women are more complex in every way. In no way is a man more complex than a woman and boys don’t even try to begin to figure out women until they turn 14-15. Until then all they think of is playing, food, tv and sleep.

That puts boys at a disadvantage and girls at an advantage.

Here’s why.

By 16, girls kind of know themselves, what they like and what they don’t like. At 16 boys, just start learning about girls.
Now boys think they know everything about girls at 16 just because “they do”. That’s a boy. He thinks he is an expert just because he has a thought…one thought…about a girl…one measly little thought.

He then takes the one thought and tries to confirm it.

“I think I like that girl. I will tell her. ‘I like you’. She just turned and walked away. That didn’t work.”

The girl says “Here comes that boy. Doesn’t he know he has ketchup on his shirt? Is he not aware of himself? Has he not figured out himself? Oh my word, he said he likes me. What a fruitcake. Does he not know that I wouldn’t be caught dead with someone who wipes their mouth on their shirt sleeve?”

So the boy goes back to the drawing board to begin the “figuring out” process while the girl wonders what he was thinking.

He then starts a process of 7 years of becoming an expert on himself and then by the time he gets there (23 years of age), his “beauty” not only understands herself , but understands him as well. He then starts another 7 years of trying to figure her out.

Many times boys and girls will get married when they are 23 or 24. She has him figured out and she has them both figured out…the only problem is that he stops trying to figure her out. The game is over. He got the prize. Why learn the rules, when you are sitting on the sideline enjoying the “win”. If he doesn’t take another 7 years to figure her out, the marriage is doomed to be lopsided. She will know them both and he will know only himself.

That is why your mother and I have tried to steer you to a “path” that will lead you to success.

From 10-17 you will need to learn about yourself. Not to the point that you get self-absorbed, but to the point that you truly see who you are, what God thinks of you and where he plans to use you in the future.

If you spend these years figuring out boys you will be behind the curve. You will be late. You will be taken advantage of.

Let me show you what happens when you spend 10-17 figuring out boys:

You spend 7 years figuring out someone who number one doesn’t make sense (play, food, tv and sleep). As you waste your time figuring out boys, you are giving up precious time figuring out yourself.

When you get to 17 and you’ve figured out someone that hasn’t even started to figure out himself, you have to throw all of your expertise out the window because that is when he begins to understand himself and he begins to make sense of himself. All of your expertise is wasted on someone who will change greatly in the next 7 years and you will have to make a choice. Do you spend the next 7 years figuring yourself out or do you spend the next 7 years figuring out him.

Many girls get to this point and decide to figure themselves out. Others go on and spend the next 7 years figuring out boys/men.

Either way you will be behind in your expertise.

If you figure yourself out for the next 7 years, you will understand yourself, but at age 24 you will understand you. He will understand himself, but neither of you will understand each other. Right at the time when people are looking to begin their marriages, you will not understand men and they will not understand you. You will then spend the next 7 years alone figuring men out or will get married and have 7 years of troubles and fights because you both don’t understand each other.

Of course you may spend your first 7 years of marriage figuring him out, but he likely will figure that the game is over. He very likely will give up on figuring you out. You stand a great chance of having a frustrated marriage. Much of it will be his fault, but you will look back at your time from 9-17 and bear some of the responsibility for your choice of refusing to understand yourself and instead focusing on the elusive expertise of knowing boys.

On the other hand, you could start all over at 24 and try to figure out boys/men now that they understand themselves a little more. Again, this is a recipe for disaster.

Here’s why…

While you are figuring out men from 24-31, they aren’t necessarily figuring you out. If you get married, your husband is very unlikely to try to understand you, care for you, grow with you, show you the love that you need at the exact time you need it. He will have won the prize and the game will be over. You will figure him out at 31, but you won’t know who you are.

By that time you may have children that you now have to begin figuring out and eventually you will have spent your whole life trying to understand everyone else, but not knowing who you are.

Many women get to this third situation and at some point just walk out on their husbands and children it an attempt to find themselves.

Many husbands walk away from wives because the woman they married hasn’t figured herself out. She has no direction. She doesn’t understand herself. How boring. What a boring game. Maybe he needs a new “game”. You aren’t fun anymore.

It takes a strong, confident, assured man to be able to spend time from 24-31 figuring out women or his wife. There are a few men, who grow up in a family of women and instinctually know women. They understand their thoughts and emotions, their likes and dislikes and their dreams. (Your brother, Noah, is an example of someone who is already figuring women out. It will take him twice as long, but he has a head start on every other boy. His wife is going to be lucky. You girls will have trained him right.)
If that boy doesn’t have a good father, he will know everything about women and women can consume his life. He will know and understand them like the back of his hand and at 17 all the girls will think he’s the “one”. The only problem is that he hasn’t started figuring himself out and yet every girl thinks he is the “one”. (I have a friend who is a good example of this. He knows women so well, that when he meets a young single woman, they often think he is the “one”.)

A boy like this is likely to get married young. The problem is that he will spend most of his life trying to “find” himself, but his wife’s needs and his ability to understand her will keep getting in the way of him understanding himself. As a result, he is likely to be a weak husband and father as well as a directionless leader. His wife will get frustrated with him and will continually want him to grow up and be the leader, but he has never had the time to learn.

If that same boy has a strong, confident, assured father, then the father will make sure that he doesn’t neglect learning about men and what men are like. By the time this boy reaches 17-24, he is an expert on himself and on women. It is this kind of man that is able to see in you everything that you are and at the same time, know who he is.

When you find one like this…you have found a gold mine. The chances of you having a wonderful life, a fun marriage and wonderful children just went to 95%.

Wow, how many more words can I type….

So to wrap this up, please spend the next few years figuring out yourself. If you need some help, ask us. We are experts on all things “Kai”. We’ve been watching you and trying to figure you out every day and because of that we are now the “resident” experts.

However, in 7 years, you are likely to be the expert on you…that is if you take the time now.

It is my hope that eventually your husband will take our place and become the expert.